なぜ恋愛は問題がだらけなのか：だれも知らない恋愛の真実を大解剖
Why love is never without problems: An inconvenient truth
文字数 3454字
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1
このエッセイはとくに長くないですが、『ベスト・パートナーになるために: 男は火星から、女は金星からやってきた』などの本より飾りのない、恋愛関係の芯まで説明できるかもしれません。
Even with his essay’s brevity, it may still explain the essence of love and relationship better than the book “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” and such.
だれにでも恋愛関係（または恋愛ができない）、という問題があるのは当たり前ですが。
It can be said that anyone surely has relationship problems (or lack of it) at least once in their lives.
単刀直入に言うと関係の問題と呼ばれても、カップルが別れたら一番重要な原因が『関係』のこと、性格が噛み合わないなどより、『セックス』のことです。
However, if we are not going to be poetic about it, whenever complicated “relationships” come to an end, it actually has more to do with “sex” rather than because of a couple’s personalities do not get along.
はい、そうです。
Yes, that is correct.
関係の問題の原因は大分『セックス』です。
The root of all problems in a relationship is mostly about “sex.”
大胆な提案なので、もっと詳しく解説したいと思います。
Since it is such an improper suggestion, please let me explain this a little further.
2
よく聞いた『男女は違う』という前提は、本当に『違う』というより、現代の風潮か深くは私たちが同じ人間だし、意見などが違っても、一人一票を持つことみたいにただ『外層』だと見られるらしいです。
Even though we often heard of the saying that “men and women are different”, instead of their being really “different”, probably since nowadays we think of ourselves as equal human beings and deep down we are the same, despite of having different opinions, it is just like how one person is supposed to have one same vote, and such difference is being seen as mere “outwardly.”
この『等しい立場』のアプローチは政治のことならみんなは同じ幸福を狙うので相応しいですが、個人的な恋愛のことなら、とくに男女の、ただ『契約』だと、二人は付き合った理由は違います。
In politics this “equal” approach may still have its place since that everyone aims somewhat for the same wellbeing. However, when it comes to a person’s love life, especially that of men and women, even for what is called the “contracts,” the reasons why they start a relationship, are different.
その『契約』の満たし方も違うせいで、ほとんどの恋愛関係の問題になるかもしれません。
And probably because the conditions how the “contracts” can be fulfilled are also different, it becomes the cause of most problems in love relationships.
男女の『恋愛契約』はどのくらい違うのかは、まず『恋愛』が女のゲームではないだろうか、と考えてほしいです。
In order to understand that how much “love contracts” between men and women are different, first of all please consider whether what is called “love” is just women’s games or not.
ドラマだし、メディアにロマンチックなデートなどの映像をよく見た私たちは恋愛だねと思ったら、そのロマンチックな何かがほしいと言うのは男より、女の方じゃないですか。
When we see romantic dinners or the like in media such as TV dramas and feel that this is what love relationship is supposed to look like, don’t you think that those who say they want such romantic moments are women rather that men?
真実ですが、それがカップルのことだと見られても、男は女のためにしたいと決めなければ、女が求めないと、一般的に男はそうする気があまりないです。
The truth is no matter how we see it as things couples would do, if not because of how men want to impress their partners, or that if women do not express any wish for it, men would rarely participate in general.
サプライズのプレゼント、付き合った記念日、花束、一緒の旅行も女のことです。とくに旅行のことは検索して統計を見られます。
Surprise gifts, anniversaries, flower bouquets, and couple’s trips are women’s things. Especially for the trips, you can google to see the statistics by yourself.
そうしたら、恋愛で男は何がほしい？
If so, what do men want from love?
……はい、みんなの常識通りに、『セックス』です。
Yes, it is sex, as you already know.
大体、ただ『セックス』。
Mostly sex.
この点、否定したい男の方が多くいそうで、自分は心があるし、自分はクリス・ハートの『I LOVE YOU』の曲を歌いながら『the other half』 を探しているタイプの人と言いたがるみたいですが。しかし、ちゃんと考えたら、もしその『恋愛』の終点はお泊りデートなどではなければ、実際に相手はロマンス詐欺師と分かったらまだその『わくわく』が残りますか。
By saying this, there may be a lot of men who feel that is untrue, that they have hearts and are the type of persons that sing Chris Hart’s “I LOVE YOU” song while relentlessly looking for “the other half.” However, if we are to think carefully, when such “love” does not lead to the girl coming to stay over with you, and you discover that in fact he/she is actually romance scammer, does that “romantic” feeling still remain?
もし詐欺師は恋人との違いはただお泊りデートできないだけなら、もやもやの恋愛の『正体』は部屋に来る日を待つことではないだろうか。
And if that romance scammer and a lover’s difference is that he/she only cannot come to stay over at your place, isn’t what is “truly” love when we do not see through rose-colored glasses is about just how people wait for a lover to come to their room?
誤解を避けるために、『セックス』と言うより、肉体関係がなくて『熱烈』を見せるのは男の恋愛の『条件』かもしれません。男は女より、二次元の相手などで生きられる傾向があると思います。
As to avoid misunderstanding, rather than just “sex,” men’s condition for love is probably about whether or not a partner expresses “passion” for them, and not being entirely about physical relationship. One might also notice that men seem to have the tendency to be satisfied with partners that are not real (ranging from anime characters to online strangers) than women.
そう言ったら、女の方が常に特別な食事だし、ディズニーランドに行くことみたいで『記憶』を作りたがりますが、男ならただ毎日自分の部屋ねカップ麺を食べたら大丈夫、と大した違いがあります。
That being said, while women might wish to make “memories” such as by having nice meals on special occasions or going to Disneyland, there is a considerable difference in men, for they seem to prefer just staying comfortably home having instant noodles on a regular basis.
個人差にもかかわらず、一般的に恋愛は女の要求で、男は従うことと言っても外れないかもしれません。
Even if we are to take individual differences into consideration, it would not be too far-fetched to say that in general, love is all about women’s demands, and it is men that follow them.
逆に女の方は無垢ではありませんが。
On the other hand, women are not entirely faultless.
3
男の恋愛の定義は『セックス』までですが、女のはどこまでだろう。
Men’s definition of love may mean nothing further than “sex,” but how about women’s love?
『安定した家族を作りたい』という動機が見た目で愛が溢れる、母になる人の感情らしくても、その『安定』の定義はただ自分と旦那が普通に生活ができる収入があるから、また某ウィルスが流行ったらグリーンランドで10年間の食物があるプライベートバンカーを持つのです。
Although the wish to “make a happy and stable family life” seems appropriate for emotions of a person who is going to become a mother, definitions of such “happy and stable” can be anything from herself and husband having income enough to subsist, to if a certain pandemic is coming again, there is going to be a private bunker with a ten-year amount of food supply prepared for them in Greenland.
いくらでも、『家族』のためではないですか？
No matter how expensive it is, that’s for “family” right?
『安定』はどこまでの意味かわからないので、実際にお金目当てに結婚したと見られても、『家族』のためにしていると感じられるのは珍しくはありません。
Since nobody knows how far the meaning of “happy and stable” might be stretched to, even when someone is known to be marrying for money, it should not be too strange for them to feel that it is all for their “family.”
しかし、それは本当に女の恋愛の『契約』です。
However, that is what women’s love “contract” really looks like.
『家族』についてこの『契約』は、男みたいに対象は相手だけではなく、もっと曖昧ので、徐々に関係のこと、家事、料理、子ども、なども含まれます。
This “contract” which concerns “family” is different from men’s, since it does not deal only with their partners, but being vaguer, and eventually encompasses everything in a relationship such as house chores, cooking, and children too.
男もそんなことにも役割があっても、男女の違いは女はそうすれば家族が整ったら、契約の『条件』を達成して、自分しか感じないポイントが溜まるようです。そのポイントがいつか夫婦喧嘩があれば自分の方が持ち出すし、男ほど『セックス』に興味がない自分は、例えば出産した後十分にポイントがあったら、もうセックスする『義務』から逃すことにします。
Men may also share these roles, but the difference between men and women is that as for women, when a family is being run smoothly, it means that their “conditions” of a contract have been fulfilled, then mentally earning some kind of points only they keep counting. These points will be brought up whenever they argue with their partners, and since they are not so keen about “sex” as much as men do,” when points are overloaded such as after giving birth to a child, they treat it as a chance to avoid the “duty” of having sex altogether.
珍しいことは、男がそのポイントは関係に対して持っていてプレゼントをあげるみたいに女は恩があると感じるより、ただ自分は筋トレをするか、そしてパートナーを『満足』させられるかどうかです。できたら自分はいい彼氏か旦那の役割を達成して、愛される価値があると考えるようです。
And what is peculiar is that for men, rather than the points being about relationship that they feel women are indebted to them when they give gifts or the like, it seems to be about whether they exercise hard and have nice muscles, and is able to “satisfy” their partner or not. That is if they do, they would feel like they have fulfilled the duty as a boyfriend or a husband, deserving to be loved.
4
『家族』を中心に考える女と、『セックス』しか考えない男は、いつか恋愛関係の問題があったら、男のせいだと見られるのは当たり前ですが。
Between women who care mostly about “family,” and men who think of nothing but “sex,” it is obvious that whenever there is a problem in their relationship, anything would seem like men’s fault.
ところが、男女の『契約』について遠回りしたが、このエッセイは最初から見せたいのは恋愛関係の正体は『セックス』ではないだろうかと。
Nevertheless, after a detour about differences in “contracts” between men and women, what this essay actually tries to show from the outset is that whether what is called love is really about “sex” or not.
一般的に女が信じるのとは違って、紳士だし、優しく家族を一緒に助けてほしい男はいないです。
As opposed to what is generally believed, men that are kind and gentle who want to make a family together do not really exist.
いると思うのは、女子中学生だけじゃないだろうか？
Those who think they exist are only middle school girls, perhaps?
そんなことは全然男の興味ではないので、そうじゃなければ、彼らは一緒に家族を作りたがる女はなぜよく若いし、美人だろうか。
That is because such things are not men’s point of interest at all. And if not so, why are all women they seem wanting to make a family with are more than often being so young and beautiful?
わがままだねと感じるかもしれませんが、逆に『家族を作る』のは女の方のアジェンダではないかと見たら、こっちもわがままじゃないだろうか。
You might feel that men are being selfish, however, when we look at whether the wish to “make a family” is women’s agenda or not, isn’t it true that we are being selfish on both sides?
カップルが持つ狭い共通点は男に多くあり、女に若干ある性欲なのです。こうではなければ何もほしくない、いい旦那になりたい男はまだいるかもしれませんが、価値が高すぎて、この人生『あなた』みたいな人は出会う運がないと考えたらいいです。
A little of what couples may have that connects each other is sexual desire, which is more abundant in men than in women. Without such, there may still be those who want to become a good husband, but since they are too good to be true, and it should be considered that someone like “you” would never be lucky enough to meet him in this lifetime.
それにロマンチックだと見られる行動、勝手に相手をハグするみたいに基本的に性的です。ただ弱形ですが、もしカップルが本当に冷めたらこの行動は見られないだけではなく、ただ一緒にいるのは面倒だと感じるかもしれません。
Furthermore, behaviors that are being seen as romantic such as playfully hugging one’s partner at whim, is intrinsically sexual. Even though it is being a weak form, if a couple’s relationship has truly turned cold not only that we would never see these behaviors, they may even feel annoyed just by the presence of each other.
カップルの関係はただ『性格』などで、中核の性的なことをわざと見逃される理由はセックスにこだわらない人だと見られたいからではないですか？
The reason that people often said a couple’s relationship is about “personality,” ignoring the sexual nature of it, is what else if not that they just do not want to be seen as being obsessed with sex?
考えてほしいのは『性格』のこと、いっぱいしゃべる関係なら、友だちとして付き合った方がよくないですか。もし何かが足りないね、おかしいと感じたら、もしかしてそれが『セックス』ではないとどうやってわかりますか。
What I would like you to consider is that if it is about “personality,” such as they get married in order that they can talk every day like highschoolers on a school trip, wouldn’t it be better to stay just as friends? And if you feel that something is lacking or strange, how can you be sure that such part you feel is missing is not about “sex”?
そして『性格が合わない』カップルが、例えばお互い浮気して『性格が合う』相手を探せたら、結局することは永遠に食事してしゃべるか、『セックス』をするのか？
Apart from that, say for example, if a couple with “mismatched personalities” are to cheat on each other and find another partner with a “well-matched personality,” what they would do eventually is talking endlessly over a dinner, or would they just have “sex”?
ちゃんと見たら『性格が合う』という感じは論理的で説明できることより、その気持ちは結局お互いが『セックスしたい願望』に導くのではないだろうか。
If we look carefully, a feeling that we call “personalities are well matched” is rather being something logical and explainable, isn’t it more of a set of emotions people on both sides mutually have which lead to “the wish to have sex”?
5
性格は恋愛関係に関係があると否定できなくても、柔軟すぎるのではないかと。
Although we cannot deny that personalities have their place in a romantic relationship, they are very adaptable in reality.
男だと見たら、かわいいアイドルみたいに推しがいても、グループのだれも本当に付き合ったら構わないらしいし、女ならばお金持ちが近寄ったら、癖などでそろそろ別れると感じても、せめて結婚しようと挑戦するのもよく見ますが。
As for men, even though they may be a die-hard fan(oshi) of some lovely idols, they also seem to be fine if they were to really dating whoever the group, and as for women, when some rich people show interest in them, even if they feel they might soon break up for all the bad habits experienced, what we often see is that most would decide endure at least until they tie the knot.
『性格が合う』と感じる人たちは、ある程度格好良くなければお金やいい仕事がある人ばかりみたいですが。
Those we feel they have “matching personalities” with if not at least being good-looking, always have money or good career paths, as it seems.
『性格』は完璧に合うことより、カップルの関係は長く続けられるのはお互いが相手のために変えることではないですか？
Instead of being about having perfectly matched “personalities,” in order for a couple’s relationship to last, isn’t it about how they should change themselves for one another?
本当に合わない人はいるかもしれませんが、自宅まで相手を連れていけるまでは、ある程度相性がいいと思います。
There might be people who we really do not get along with, but if you could invite your partner to as far as your bedroom, probably you two’s compatibility is good enough.
その気持ちがあれば、お互いがほしい二人は笑顔でしゃべることから、身体の関係がほしいなどになります。ロマンチックなことや嫌な区別があるより、どっちも恋愛の気配です。
With that feeling, it may become how we might smile to our partner, or give even the wish to have an intimate relationship. But rather than there is a line between what is romantic and what is indecent, all is nothing but aspects of that love itself.
二人はまだお互いに少しでも『熱烈』ならば、関係は簡単に終わらないです。
If the two still have at least some “passion” for each other, the relationship would never come to an end so easily.
もし恋愛関係は義務だし、ルーチン業務みたいに男女は真面目に子供を育てる話を聞いたら、もう『セックスレス』になって、機械みたいな精神の方の話だと確かめることができます。
If you ever hear people saying that love is an obligation where men and women raise children as if it is some routine job, you can be certain that it is from someone who is “sexless,” and already forgot that once they had a heart too.
しかも子どもの一人、二人がいれば社会に役に立つかもしれませんが、ただ一人二人、いなければとくに社会には問題がないので、家族はだれも求めない義務です。自分は愛と恋でもない恋愛関係に入るのは何かの義務より、入ったのは自分ですが。それは豊かで笑顔が溢れる日々なのか、お互いの顔を見たくないのか、選択するのは自分の責任ですが。
Besides, although it might be beneficial to the society by raising one or two children, since for the one or two children to be here or not would not significantly change anything, and thus having a family is actually a duty no one requests. So when you enter a relationship which seems loveless, it is you yourself who entered. Whether you would have a meaningful relationship full of joy, or one that both you and your partner hate just to see each other, choosing one is your own responsibility.
また、付き合って争う日々となることは少なくないので、もし今は一人でいる方が幸せだと感じたら、そのままでいいと思います。
Still, since having a relationship can often become troublesome, if you feel happy being single right now perhaps it is more than good enough.
